Tuesday, December 23, 2008

At Christmas Dinner, give your relatives the GOP Mike's Looney Liberal Litmus Test!!!

To my Conservative Friends:

I am sure you are getting ready to take a little respite from work to relax over the Christmas holiday and gather with family and friends over the non-vegetarian Christmas Ham or Bird. During the break, you will most likely be hammered with all the liberal idiot relatives you haven't seen for a while...

You will invariably have to deal with your feminist sister-in-law that has not voted the right way since the butterfly ballot, and your hippy nephew whose is home from liberal U. for the Christmas break and thinks, after a semester of looney indoctrination by the nations finest profes-nazi's, is ready to be the next Karl Marx...

And then there will be those relatives who I really have issues with... Those who claim to be "independent", "moderate" (man, I hate that term) and open minded - How thoughtful they are!!!... As I have said in a past article (Moderate Voters - Mushy Wimps)about these num-skulls, these people are not really moderates. In my humble opinion, no such anomaly exist... These people are the ones just shielding their true identities so they are not called ideologues or, heavens no, extremists!!! Oooooh, that one sounds scaaaarry....

So, to pass the time over the invariably boring stories on how little Suzie is doing soooo well in her new school and how the teachers think she is so gifted, Yawn, I have developed a few questions that you can casually drop over the course of Christmas that will reveal the true colors of the so-called Independent In-laws...

If nothing else, it will give you something to pass the time beyond listening to Uncle Joe snore in the lazy-boy while watching the Use-log!!!

So, without further ado, here is the test:

GOP Mike's Liberal Litmus Test (1 pt for each Yes):

1. Did you receive any of the following CD's for Christmas: Barbara Streisand, Dixie Chicks or Madonna? - Count one for each CD received and count 1/2 pt. for each CD owned...

2. Did you go to see the movie "W" in the movie theater or rent the DVD?? - Count 2 pts if they saw it in the theater and 1 if they rented it...

3. Did you employ any "Green" methods for reducing your carbon foot-print this year??

4. Do you get the NY Times delivered to your home??

5. What Network did you watch on election night?? - Count one point for CBS, ABC, CNN - Count 2 Pts for NBC and a whopping 3 pts for MSNBC... If they watch FoxNews - You can subtract 1 pt.

6. Do they have any special plans for watching the chosen one's inauguration?? - Count one if they say yes and 2 pts if they plan on having more then 3 people over to watch the "historic event"...

7. Do you have any anti-Bush bumper stickers on your car or ones begging for "peace" or ones that say "Mean People Suck!"

8. Do they plan on seeing any Broadway shows during the Holidays??? - Count 1 pt for a yes and 2 pts if its a musical...

9. Did you send out Christmas cards that say either "Happy Holidays" or "Seasons Greetings" instead of Merry Christmas???

10. Will you be abstaining from joining us in feasting on the Christmas Bird because you do not eat anything that could have had a name???

There you have it, 10 subtle questions you can pepper in throughout your Christmas celebration to gauge the level of liberal loony-ism of your relatives...

So, once you have your answers to the above questions, you tally up their score and they will fall in 1 of 4 categories:

1-4 Pts - A mild case of the Fl-iberal - This person has some flaws in their make-up that are most likely caused by the typical apathy towards the process and has lets some thing slip through the cracks without even knowing it...

My advise: This person is easily converted to the home team with just a good talking to about the issues. A strong, well spoken conservative can convert this lost soul before the last gift is un-wrapped...

5-9 pts - A Solid, but persuadable lib - This person most likely doesn't know how liberal they have become... They start out watching the View and MSNBC and BAM!!! Full-blown case of the libs has spread through their body like a virus....

My advice: This person can be persuaded by you must use extensive counseling and/or electro-shock therapy to zap them back to reality.... And a liberal block on their TV that only shows FOXNews and NASCAR wouldn't hurt...

10-13 pts. On the Edge - Severely delusional state of uneducated, mis-informed liberal on the loose here. They must be reigned in fast before it is too late. The commitment papers are being drawn up and the fat lady is warming up...

My advise - If you really think this person is worth it, you must engage fully and quickly... But use caution - Rubber gloves and a Haz-Mat suit are recommended....

14-18 pts (Max) - GONZO - You relative is a flaming, pinko commie, latte sipping, kool-aid drinking bleeding heart that should be preped for a white coat (also great for waving the flag of surrender)...

My advise - Take a step back, nothing to see here... I am sorry, we lost them - Flat-lined___________________

Well, there it is... Your fool-proof guide to determine the extent of your relatives' liberal derangement syndrome complete with tactics to handle the clean-up from the eventual fall-out from the nuclear winter.... And one day, perhaps we can....

To all of you and yours, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a conservative site....

Just my thoughts...

GOP Mike


  1. Ahhhh, spelling. It's "hippie," there's no apostrophe on "nazi's" in this context, and it's "numb" skulls. And in #10, you mean "abstaining," not "absconding." Absconding means stealing. It's more effective if you spell and use the words correctly. I guess this makes me an elitist liberal!

  2. Ahhhh, red herring. When you can't argue the basis of an argument, you can always nit-pick spelling. It doesn't make you an elitist liberal, it just makes you look foolish. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

  3. Anonymous Spell Check Cop:

    Thx for the speeling (ha ha!!!)lesson - I'm sure all my readers are in horror that there are a few typos!!!! Oh my!!!! Call the police!!!!

    Ya see - typical libs - If you were the President and got a message from a terrorist group telling you about an imminent threat, You would be nit-picking the typos and trying to figure out the "meaning" and "motives" of the blood-sucking killers instead of just eliminating the threat, kicking ass and taking names!!!

    But for you libs, that's what makes us conservatives war-mongering, knuckle-draggers!!!

    Thats fine with us....

    I wonder what your score was on the test - off the charts I assume....

    Merry Christmas to you anyway....

  4. Reverse question for your knuckle-dragging conservative relations:

    1. Do you actually LITERALLY believe that we're celebrating the birthday of a walking dead zombie messiah who came back from the grave after being strung up for running his mouth some 2000 years ago and is going to make a magical appearance soon by floating down from the sky?

    If any relative answered "yes" to this question, the next question is a given:

    2. Mom, did you give Uncle/Aunt Batshit Crazy their medication yet? He/She is drooling again!

  5. Curly:

    Wow, the trolls are out in force today - I guess you have no prep to do for the celebration of the birth of Jesus...

    My guess would be that not only a very large majority of my readers would vehemetly disagree with you, but a super-majority of the country would as well...

    I hear Paris is nice this time of year...

    GOP Mike

  6. I do have one bit of prep, Mikey. I get out my copy of "Rosemary's Baby" - perfect counterbalance to the filthy stain that Xmas leaves on my carpet.

    As for the "supermajority" - the Nazi's had a super majority in 1930's Germany, too - so we can assume the wisdom of the masses isn't always right.

    Lastly - Paris? Now you're just being dumb. Nicer and cleaner city than most American cities by far, so I'd be glad to go! But I'd rather stay here in the USA in case Al Qaeda makes another successful attack so I can laugh and point!

    Happy Festivus!

  7. Sonny boy, being an ignorant, bitter loser is now way to go through life or enjoy Christmas. LOL

  8. To see Curly actually root for AlQaeda and hate his own country and traditions is gonna get that Festivas Pole rammed up his ass!!!

    GOP Mike

  9. GOP Mike - you write a snide and condescending screed and you can't take a little of your own medicine in return? What a pussy!

    Here's more for the Xmas ham-hand:

    I don't hate my own country. I hate the CONSERVATIVE part of my own country.

    As for hating traditions - why shouldn't one hate a religion that created "inquisition"? That lies to children with scare tactics about "hell" before that child has the education to logically reject that belief? A religion that gets angry and defensive when more informed persons point out that snakes never could talk and woman are not made literally out of a man's short rib?

    Christ is a crutch for spiritual toddlers who still need a Jesus security blanket to protect them from that existential monster under their crib.

    (Shouted in a pompous British accent) I said good day, sir!!!

  10. If they aren't planning on protesting at the Holiday Bowl, they are a loony lib. This game, played while we are still basking in the afterglow of celebrating our Lord's birth, should be called the Christmas Bowl. Football is a Christian game played by Christians (save for the odd Islamofascist WR or RB here and there). Caling this game the Holiday Bowl makes Touchdown Jesus cry. If you cut and run from the War on Christmas before protesting this game, you are a loony lib.

  11. I'm the anonymous spell checker... Yes, my score was off the charts! But I'm also a sunday school teacher in a Protestant church. I sent "happy holidays" cards because some of my friends are jewish. I recycle stuff because it's a good idea not to fill up the dump. I don't have a peace bumper sticker, but I don't think peace is such a bad thing. And I hate Barbara Streisand! Merry Christmas.

  12. Curly, for a man who claims to support at least the liberal side of this country, to then go and openly support Al'Qaeda and actually hope for another terrorist attack on this country that not only claims the lives of Americans but members of other faiths and nationalities as well... That's beyond the pale, and is behavior unbecoming an American, or any civilized human for that matter.

    It must cause you great distress to see your favored group getting beaten into the ground over and over again by Iraqi and American forces, and to see that Baghdad celebrated Christmas openly for the first time the other day (http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/meast/12/21/iraq.christmas/?iref=mpstoryview) without Al'Qaeda or any other group launching reprisal attacks. Had they the strength they would have certainly done so, but the combined might of Iraq and the multinational forces kept that from happening, as well as preventing any other major attacks in the country.

    I would say I'm sorry to see your "freedom figthers" getting their asses handed to them, but then I think about all of the women and children they've deliberately targeted, all the innocents dead at their hands... When I think of that, I realize I couldn't say such a thing even in jest. May they all burn in hell, and may it be the firepower of America and her allies that sends them there!

    Mike: Merry Christmas to you and yours. God bless your family, and may He bless this country, too!

  13. Thx Benjamin... Same to you and yours...

    As for Curly - He hates Conservative America???

    Then he hates the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution and our Founding Fathers - All conservative documents, and conservative-principled Men.....

    At least he could love the Roe V. Wade faction of the country...

    GOP Mike

  14. Anonymous Spell Checker -

    If you are a Sunday School Teacher and hate Barbara Streisand their may be hope for you....

    Merry Christmas...

    GOP Mike

  15. I think anybody not celebrating Christmas in Fallujah is a loony lib disrespecting our military's sucksess.

  16. GOP Mike - lol. Hopefully, there's hope for both of us - for all of us... Have a good one.

    Anonymous Spell Checker

  17. Sorry Mike - you can't dismiss all mistakes as simple typos...You used the word "advise" three times when you meant "advice." Advice is a noun (something you dole out....in your case, liberally). Advise is a verb (something you do). Lest you quibble wth my nit-pickiness and insist I am a liberal demo, hate Obama. But sloppy writing really annoys me. Merry Christmas.

  18. Hey GOP Mike,
    what wrong with a brother in the WHITEHOUSE, isn't that a contradiction, but anyway you also have a brother managing your favorite baseball team,I wonder if he is a commie liberal.Maybe you can give him advise on absconding when its time to use the bullpen.

  19. hey curlyfester stick a fallujah in your turban and have a cheery day old chap.
    Did any of your family attend the Tea Party?

  20. There is no point debating what is essentially further inane rantings from a collectivist leech.

    Collectivists always try to find ways to classify people as inferior. "Liberal" is their new namesake against those they envy and hate.

    I shall enjoy watching the last remnants seeing their beloved "conservatism" being erased in front of their eyes in the next 10 years, as the old and failed generation slowly dies and makes new for the future.

  21. Anonymous lib:

    No use debating, because when it comes to the issues, there is no debate...

    If you think Conservatives envy liberals, you have Noooooo idea what makes conservatives tick....

    We loathe everything about liberalism and would never, ever envy anything about the ideology of class warfare, piss and moan, anti-Americanism and pro-death of the unborn...

    So if you think the majority of America will embrace that you have another thing coming...

    They may have won a vote because of the circumstances of the country today (economic issues and an vapid empty suit that can read a telepromter well... But when they realize what they did, they will resist and then reject the liberal agenda....

    Time will tell...

    GOP Mike

  22. anonymous spell-checker here again. I'm a liberal, and I love America. I'm a lawyer, and I love the constitution. I live in Washington, D.C., and every day, I see the Capitol building and feel happy to live here. It's true - some liberals really love this country as much as conservatives do. I wish you guys could see that.

  23. I know very well and better than you what makes conservatives tick, which is why I don't have anything to do with it the same way someone doesn't normally want something to do with garbage.

    Class warface you can stick it up your ass (the new economy is based on technology and its not as if conservatives will have anything to do with that one. Just see Google), piss and moan is the sign of the unsatisfied and demanding as opposed to the satisfied spineless and as for the "unborn". I didnt realize that non neuron having human DNA formations were born with rights to someone else's wombs. Sorry pal, the body belongs to who was there first.

    Now as far as the general death of conservatism goes, you must have confused yourself that I was so kind to refer to Obama's election. Instead of referring to Obama being electable in the first place.

    I am speaking about the general trend of humanity, from city states and tribes to US's EU's and (now, soon with a common coin) AU's to unite. I am speaking about the espousing of liberty and Selfish Egoism as opposed to Collectivism in more and more places, leading to a society based on ability rather than tradition. (Translations: People are more interested in ipods than coats of arms)

    I speak, of western (hint: Conservatives have nothing to do with, in turned inspired from classical and greco-roman values) civilization making progress everywhere. From Japan (fully western in my view, 2% Christians in it), to China, to Dubai in the Middle East (which as we know, has the best Gay Nightlife around... soon, in the next 10 years, prepare to see it as an open issue)

    As for the US, I speak about how your usual hate talking points that normally should have worked, failed with Obama. That people plain weren't interested if his middle name was "Hussein" or not (which to a collectivist leech matters) or even born in the US or not.

    About the fact, that there is a whole new generation coming up, with more affinity to facebook, world of warcraft and fashion. Global trends and "hobbies" who don't give a shit about what old collectivists consider of value. (which is accurately none) And you know it. That while you beat your member about "nation" and "religion" and "beating gays up" (Like a middle eastern religious conservative. Same ilk, different names really) more and more people care about "processor speeds" and "cars" and pretty much, any other real object BUT your collectivist BS. What your ilk refers in pain as "narcissism".

    I speak about the Change that has been going on from year -200000 to 2008 (or -2000 if you are a creationist, lol), or perhaps, since history is not your strong point anyway perhaps the change from 1950 to 2008, on ALL levels of society. Obama has nothing to do with it, voting GOP is already the equivalent of voting a 1950 democrat, and in 10 years, let me tell you. Voting GOP will be the equivalent of voting a 2008 democrat.

    And you know it.
    Like it or not, the world is changing, and is becoming globalized, secular, scientific and driven by the free market (which incidentally in its full form, includes the free movement of labor not just products. That means no nationstate borders silly conservative)

  24. Mike u are so small minded, ignorant, rasist and a total idoit u have horrible views but that comes as no shock to me.

  25. Another idiot who has to insult people to get his point across, sad.....

    Just a quick tip - when you insult people, you should at least spell the names properly.... You really look like a dim-bulb if you don't...

    Also, why not sign your posts????

    Be proud and take ownership of your idiocy....

    GOP Mike

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